


Fade to Black

by DarkUniverse



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: 'Cause Shizuo - you know?, Angst, As I post, Gen, M/M, Mild Language, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-16
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 07:10:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3372437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkUniverse/pseuds/DarkUniverse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's dark.</p><p>I hate you.</p><p>Izaya.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wrecked

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah...I really don't know. Can't study, feel the press of dark thoughts weighing me down more than stress itself, so...I typed this up. Angst and all...

**Wrecked  
**

 

It’s dark, you know.

 

There’s no sunlight without you. There hasn’t been any light since you left. It’s like an eternal night has fallen over this city and there’s nothing to chase it away anymore. It’s always just black. Everything is black.

 

Why did you leave?

 

Where did you go anyway? I thought you loved this place more than anything. Well, no, you loved the people in it. You never shut up about them. Your beloved humans. Why did you leave them then?

 

Why did you leave me?

 

I thought you wanted to kill me. So where are you now? You can’t kill me if you’re not here. Unless…You knew it would hurt so that’s why you left, right? You knew it would feel like dying and this is all just another part of your scheme, isn’t it? You’ve always been cunning, I’ll give you that.

 

It’s dark.

 

Why can’t I smile anymore? It’s all your fault for being insufferable. You god damn flea.

 

How dare you disappear without a trace like that, huh? What gives you the right to infiltrate my life so suddenly and persistently, just so you could leave in the same manner? You’re a fucking idiot.

 

I hate you.

 

I hate this darkness. I want to see the Sun again. I want it to be light again…I want to smile. Why is it so hard to smile when you’re gone? It shouldn’t be! I should be happy that you’re out of my city and that I’m not being chased by goons and/or police. I should have thrown a fucking party when I found out you left! Why didn’t I?

 

Why did you leave?

 

I fucking hate you.

 

Please come back, Flea.

 

Izaya.

 

Come home.

 


	2. No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well would ya look at that? It goes on...  
> Don't ask me where or why or how, 'cause I got no idea. I don't even know what's going on here...just roll with it. :)

**No**

 

“It’s been seven months, Shizuo. He’s gone.”

 

His fists clenched reflexively, rage and fear and pain, and a dozen other feelings he didn’t want to put a name to, rolled off him in waves. They were drowning him in their intensity even now. Even after all this time, he still couldn’t let it go.

 

“I thought you’re his friend,” he hissed. He didn’t mean to be so harsh, but it seemed he no longer had any control over his emotions. Not since…

 

“I was,” Shinra replied, putting significant emphasis on the past tense. “But even I can’t keep my hopes up for so long. It’s been too long and there has been no word of him. Not a single whisper. Don’t you think that’s saying something?”

 

How many times had they had this argument? How many times had he been forced to confront his blonde friend because it was obvious he wasn’t quite alright? Celty had been the one to point out Shizuo’s behavior and since Celty was worried, Shinra was worried, too. Well, he’d be worried anyway.

 

“No! I told you before and I’ll tell you again-”

 

“Shizuo,” the doctor cut him off sternly, “It’s been over half a year since anyone has even heard of Izaya. He hasn’t been seen anywhere, not in Shinjuku and not in Ikebukuro. Face it, there’s only one possible conclusion.”

 

“Yes, he’s hiding.”

 

Shinra couldn’t stop the exasperated sigh that escaped his lips, running a hand through his hair in an unsuccessful attempt to calm down. This wasn’t healthy, Shinra knew. Of course, he wasn’t a psychologist, that wasn’t his specialty, but anyone with half a brain could see that Shizuo was heading into a very dangerous territory, mental health wise.

 

“Shizuo,” he said slowly, willing his voice to be as soft as possible, “He’s dead.”

 

The pain that surged through him was unlike anything he had ever experienced. He thought that was because it had been a very long time since he’d last felt any physical pain. This – this was nothing like that. It was deep and burning and cold all at once, and it hurt like a bitch! He hated it. More than that, he hated that he didn’t know _why_. Why was the thought of Izaya – his arch nemesis, that annoying little louse, the god damn flea of all people – being dead and gone forever so painful? He was supposed to be happy, ecstatic even.

 

 _Why_ was he reacting like _that_ then?

 

“He was an informant and a very cunning one at that. He liked playing with people, liked those games of his too much. It’s no surprise they finally caught up with him,” Shinra pressed, feeling terrible about what he was doing, but knowing there was no other way. Shizuo needed to hear it. He needed to accept the truth.

 

“Someone probably got him in the end. It was inevitable after all, bound to happen eventually. He played with fire too much, too eagerly. And anyway, he knew the consequences…we all did.”

 

“No, I don’t believe that.”

 

Shaking his head, the doctor sat heavily in his chair, feeling utterly drained all of a sudden.

 

“Shizuo, I know, okay? Izaya was my friend, too-”

 

“That fucking louse wasn’t my _friend_!”

 

“Then why are you so stubbornly refusing to believe he’s no longer among the living?”

 

The words cut through him easier than Izaya’s precious blade ever could. Why indeed? Why, _why_ , **_why_**? That was all he could think about these days. It was frustrating. It was exhausting. He just wanted…What?

 

He just wanted everything to be like before. He wanted to chase the flea through the streets of Ikebukuro while the little pest dodged every random object he threw at him all the while laughing that insane laugh so specific to Izaya. He just wanted to feel alive like that again.

 

“I won’t believe it no matter what you say,” he spoke up finally, his voice quiet as an unsettling calm washed over him. “I’m going to find the louse and when I do-”

 

He couldn’t finish that sentence not because he couldn’t come up with a million different ways to rub it in his friend’s face, but because…he didn’t really believe he _would_ find him.

 

And that hurt more than Shinra’s resignation.


	3. Cold

**Cold**

 

I need it like I need to breathe.

 

But…

 

I don’t know what.

 

I don’t know what I need.

 

What is it?

 

What am I feeling?

 

Why is everything so…jumbled. Such a mess. Why is my mind a mess? I’m supposed to be the smartest, aren’t I? To always know everything? I’m an informant after all. Knowledge, information, that’s what I live for.

 

So why?

 

Why am I so confused?

 

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know where I am…who am I? What is my purpose?

 

Why do I exist?

 

I think I used to know. I used to know everything.

 

But…

 

 

 

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep this up. It’s become too unbearable. The pain, the numbness, the dark emptiness. It’s all just too much.

 

I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

 

But I want to feel…

 

I want…

 

What do I want?

 

Whenever I think I’m back to my old self, this corrosive pitch blackness grabs hold of me and chokes. The grip is tight and vengeful. It leeches off me, takes everything it can, until there’s nothing left.

 

Until I’m numb.

 

Then it happens all over again.

 

I can’t keep getting up anymore. I don’t have the strength to fight the dark. It’s suffocating, it’s torturous…

 

I want to feel good again. I want to feel…something other than pain and emptiness.

 

 

 

Cold. Always so cold nowadays.

 

There is only dark.

 

There is only emptiness.

 

 

 

I don’t know who I am anymore.

 

Please…

 

_Help me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully everything will make some sense in the end :) I'm not trying to be confusing, it's just that words don't listen to me... :)


End file.
